Money is a funny thing. Too much of it can present problems and too little of it also brings difficulties. This is no different in a marriage. Year after year, I have found that money problems potentially wreck marriages. Thus it is vital for couples to have the same views on money and how to use it. To do this, you must understand how our attitudes about money are formed in the first place.
How Attitudes about Money are Developed
Almost everyone's attitude on money develops from his or her upbringing and education. A miserly and stingy man may be so because he comes from a poor home and grew up in financial scarcity. A woman from a rich background may be spendthrift and wasteful because she grew up in affluence. Generally for all of us, our earliest education about money comes from our parents or guardians. Thus our parents' (or guardians') values and views on money inevitably influence our own thinking to a certain extent. As we grow older our views on money develop further through personal experiences and through education we receive from school, friends, religious or moral education. How do two persons' views of money create problems?
Potential Money Problems
The problem arises when two people coming from extremely different backgrounds and thinking about money fall in love and marry each other. Now money becomes a potential point of contention between them. This contention can stem from myriad issues. An example is the issue of importance. One partner may see something as important enough to spend money on while the other does not. Another example is the issue of quantum. One partner thinks that up to a certain amount is enough to spend on something but the other partner thinks otherwise. Yet another example is the issue of need. One partner thinks that there is a need to spend on such-and-such a thing but the other partner disagrees. Another example can be the issue of fairness. One partner uses the money freely for himself and in doing so denies the other partner of the same because all the money is already used up. Have you and your partner ever experienced any of these?
Two Marriage-Saving Money Practices
Any of the above contentions about money can potentially result in a full-blown argument between any couple and potentially damage a marriage. So what can be done about it? I wish to suggest two practices to adopt.
The first is the practice of empathy which results in compromise. By this I mean putting yourself into the shoes of your partner. This includes understanding your partner's upbringing and early education about money. When you truly understand where your partner is coming from you can adjust your own views and philosophy about money to better suit your partner's. This inevitably calls for compromise on both partners. Once you are married to your spouse, to a large extent you are responsible for his or her happiness. So if it makes your spouse happy for you to compromise in a certain way with regards to money, you should to it. If it means spending less for yourself and more for her, do it. If it means foregoing your purchase of a new plasma TV for her sake, do it. In return, your spouse should make similar compromises on her part. Now for the second practice.
The second practice is open communication which leads to accountability. Once you are married, the two of you have become one and your money becomes your spouse's and your spouse's money becomes yours. Whether you have a joint checking account or not is not important. What is important is having an open communication between the two of you as to how you spend your money. Give each other the permission to ask one another anytime about how money was spent. This does not necessarily mean you have to scrutinize one another's income and expenditure every week. It just means that you agree that each of you is accountable to the other in spending habits. Finally, a word of caution.
Don't become defensive or feel threatened when questioned by your spouse about your spending. If you are practicing empathy, understanding and compromise as stated above, then there is no need to become defensive or feel threatened because you know you have the understanding and best intentions of your spouse towards you. This open communication and accountability also means that your spouse can ask you for finances anytime and you should be willing to help out. Remember your money is hers and hers is yours. In order to prevent or at least reduce money problems in future, I would like to suggest one last practical thing to do.
One More Practice
Put aside a mutually agreed-upon fixed amount every month for savings or for each spouse's own expenses. As long both partners are happy with this amount, give each other the liberty to spend within that amount for personal expenses. Do not complain or criticize your spouse for buying his high-end plasma TV from the amount he has set aside all these months. While you are both accountable to one another for how you spend your money yet there has to be a certain degree of flexibility in allowing each other to enjoy the frills that money can buy. Remember you are both responsible for each other's happiness.
Conclusion
Money is a means to an end. Let that end be your happiness as a couple. Do not make money a point of contention. If money matters are handled wisely then money becomes a tool to bring about happiness for yourself, your spouse and ultimately, your marriage.
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